Gorgeous drivel: 'Immortals' delivers beauty, not story

Immortals is without doubt the best-looking awful movie you will ever see. Eiko Ishioka's costume designs alone deserve an Oscar nomination. "They weren't at all historically accurate," grumbled a woman in the elevator after the sneak preview, as if lots of documentation exists about the wardrobes of the gods. She added: "I guess that's what we deserve for using free tickets we got at a Blackhawks game."

One image after another is gob-smacking, including the early one in which a prison cell of thick granite, buried inside a mountain, holds the imprisoned Titans. We see them from above, chained standing upright, their teeth clamped onto iron rods. They've been this way for "eons." Other images include Greek villages carved from the sides of precipitous cliffs, spectacular temples and thrones, and a startling shot of the Oracles dressed in towering red costumes against a slate background. You look at these visuals and drink them in.

Alas, the movie makes next to no sense. It involves, in a very broad sense, the attempt by King Hyperion (Mickey Rourke) to conquer Greece and the battle to stop him led by a plucky peasant named Theseus (Henry Cavill). Full review.