Oh no, Silver: Stay away from 'Lone Ranger'

By Richard Roeper

In the unholy mess that is The Lone Ranger, we finally have a movie that combines the slapstick antics of a live-action Road Runner cartoon with a villain so bloodthirsty he literally cuts out the heart of a vanquished foe and eats it.    

Some films are for everyone. This film is for just about no one.    

Everything that could go wrong with this movie does go wrong, spectacularly so, from a rare bad performance from the great Johnny Depp, who plays Tonto as a crazy desert vaudeville performer, to the decidedly unmemorable work from the promising talent Armie Hammer as the title character, to a script that feels like some sort of mash-up of every attempt to reboot a franchise that saw its greatest success as a radio show in the 1930s and a TV show in the 1950s.    

This is slick trash. A bloated, unfunny, sometimes downright bizarre train wreck featuring some of the loudest, longest and least entertaining actual train wrecks in recent memory.    

Hammer plays the prosecutor John Reid, deputized during a crisis as a Texas Ranger by his tougher, braver, heroic older brother. Depp's Tonto wears a dead bird on his head, favors face paint that makes him look like the first member of the KISS Army— and he speaks, well, like Tonto. It's not an offensive performance; it's just not very interesting or innovative or funny— and when was the last time we said that about Johnny Depp's work?    

The Lone Ranger is filled with colorful supporting characters played by reliable performers, including Helena Bonham Carter as a madam with an ivory leg that doubles as a shotgun; Tom Wilkinson as a power-hungry railroad man (is there any other kind of railroad man in movies like this?); and William Fichtner as the outlaw Butch Cavendish, a familiar villain to longtime Lone Ranger fans. Not everyone is who they first appear to be— but the twists are telegraphed in ways so obvious they fall just short of a mustache-twirl and a sinister wink to the camera.    

We can see the millions spent on The Lone Ranger onscreen, what with all the elaborate set pieces; the crazy stunts performed by humans and computer creations; the exploding glass; and the roaring trains and hails of bullets and arrows. It's all quite well rendered and bereft of passion.    

I'll bet some of the people involved with this film have always loved the Lone Ranger. It's a shame almost none of that passion shines through.      Sometimes this movie feels like The Pirates of the Caribbean in the Old West, what with the direction from Pirates helmer Gore Verbinski, and Depp flouncing about in his elaborate makeup and plumage. Occasionally the Lone Ranger and Tonto are involved in slapstick hijinks that would kill anything this side of a superhero or a cartoon character. The next moment, there's some fairly intense PG-13 nastiness. Right after that, we get some ponderous spiritual gibberish, or a heavy-handed flashback showing how Tonto became Tonto.    

Also, there's a lot of stuff about pocket watches.    

The framing device is a 1933 carnival exhibition in San Francisco at which a young Lone Ranger fan encounters an apparently 100-year-old Tonto, who's now behind glass as "The Noble Savage." Tonto spins his tale to the kid, and back in time we go, only to return every half hour or so. (This melancholy gimmick undercuts a largely comedic film. THIS is what became of Tonto? He's a sideshow freak? That sucks!)    

Hammer's got the right look to play John Reid/the Lone Ranger, and he's shown flashes of charisma in previous roles, most notably as the Winklevoss twins in "The Social Network." But he's a bland clown here as a by-the-book lawman prone to bouts of nerves, stupidity and generally unimpressive behavior. This version of The Lone Ranger repeats many of the mistakes of The Green Hornet, who, by the way, is the great-nephew of the Lone Ranger, and I'm not making that up.     

Whether we're dealing with X-Men or Superman or human anti-heroes, there's almost always that period of reluctance or even refusal to wear the badge or the mask or the crown or the wings or whatever. But— SPOILER ALERT— we're practically at the closing credits before this guy seems to have any interest in becoming the Lone Ranger.    

Oh yes— the weirdness. For some reason, this movie has not one, but two scenes involving apparently demonic rabbits with vampire-esque fangs. Meanwhile, Silver behaves like some sort of creature from a deleted scene of Lost, magically showing up at the weirdest times and even perching on the branch of tree at some point while wearing the Lone Ranger's hat.      And then there's the whole business of the dead bird on Tonto's head. He keeps feeding it seeds. Being dead, it is not interested in the seeds.     Hi-ho, Silver. Away.   

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This review is crap, like all of the other big movie reviews for this summer. Go to his website and see the scores for all the big blockbuster movies and you will see the pattern. Just another person that should actually stop watching movies. Since obviously he could do a better job.

To be fair, I have not seen this movie. But I have been to Spanish class this week and was amused to find out that the translation from Spanish to English for TONTO is stupid or silly. Perhaps Mr. Depp was aware of this when he developed his character. Just saying.....

I understand you don't care for this review. However, after watching the Lone Ranger last night, I have to rather side with the reviewer. Unfortunately, he misses on a lot of points. The Lone Ranger really was more Tonto than anything else.

The opening scene featuring the little boy meeting The Noble Savage really started everything off on the wrong foot. I was actually put off by how bad the makeup was for the aged Tonto. I also found the loud crunching really annoying in that scene.

What's really sad is that I liked the Lone Ranger growing up. I thought the Legend of The Lone Ranger, made in 1983, was a much better version than this one. I really wanted to enjoy this version, but the simple fact is they made The Lone Ranger look like a buffoon. He was too wimpy and a tad emotionless at times.

The movie just wasn't well thought out and it showed with the final product we got on the screen.

I too grew up with the Lone Ranger, on TV(radio show before my time), and Dell comic books. And own a number of Lone Ranger DVDs.
But this sounds like a travesty. No adherence to the original show at all. Its like what they did with the Dukes of Hazzard movie(the last one) turning what had been a warm, feelgood show for all the famiky into soft porn.
I never thought the Lone Ranger in the original ever treated Tonto with anything but respect. Yeah, the dialogue reflected Hollywood's conception of Native Americans back in the heyday of the Western. But they were partners, much in the way Xena and Gabrielle were, or the Scooby gang in Buffy. And not until I saw Brokeback Mountain did I guess what the real relationship might have been. Think about it, the Lone Ranger and Tonto always rode off together, no female love interest like in most of the TV westerns, the Genes and Roys and so on.
Be that as it may, I think I will skip this one. A modern western I would recommend is Kevin Costner's Wyatt Earp.

When is Depp going to play a real role in a real movie? He's become a caricature--always playing some heavily costumed, over-the-top cartoon characters in films that are more about art direction than story, and a lot of his recent movies have been crap. It's all very safe for him: I'm sure he's getting big money, and all these big-money campy movies aren't very demanding. He should try doing some real acting for a change.

This movie was so embarrassing that it pretty much kills the western genre of movies for a long time to come, hey, maybe that is a good thing. What now needs to happen is a revival of historic era western film from a completely different philosophical perspective, like what Apocalypse Now did for war movies.