THE BRAZEN CAREERIST- Rugrat race: Sometimes, your career needs a rest

My ex-husband and I always thought he'd be the stay-at-home parent, so I was shocked when I became the one changing diapers all day.

When we were dating, I was making a solid, six-figure salary in the software industry. I had already founded two companies and cashed out of one. He was a video artist and traveled to festivals all over the world showing arcane art on activist topics. He planned offbeat things to do on our dates; I would pay for them.

I was rising so fast in my corporate career that a business magazine paid me to write about my ascent, and I ended up making as much money writing as my husband made at his day job.

People asked me if I resented having two jobs and subsidizing my husband's career as an artist. Actually, I didn't mind at all. I loved to work, and he agreed to stay home when we had kids. I thought I was one of the lucky women who could have kids and still blast through the glass ceiling because I had a husband who would take care of our home life.

We planned to get pregnant at a time when it would not disrupt my career, but in September 2001, our designated family start-date, the planes hit, and both my husband and I got laid off. I got pregnant anyway.

As my belly grew, I continued my freelance writing career while he volunteered in nonprofits, and we led a bohemian life with corporate savings. But by the seventh month, I missed the structured, team-oriented atmosphere of work. I was editing my resume the morning I went into labor.

When the baby arrived, I planned to get a full-time, office job right away, but after only a few weeks of sleepless nights, my husband got a job offer. He wasn't even looking, really. But one of the people he met through volunteering got him an interview at a top-notch human rights organization. They offered him his dream job, so we decided he should try it.

Now I would be home with the baby, alone. For those of you who haven't had a baby, let's just say that going to an office is about a thousand times easier than dealing with a newborn. With a newborn there is no schedule, no break, and no performance review to let you know if you're screwing up. So naturally, I wanted to be the one with the job. I tried to be happy for my husband. I tried not to hope that he would hate his job and quit.

During my first week as a stay-at-home mom, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't write, and I couldn't figure out how any adult could stay home all day with a baby who can't talk. So I hired a baby sitter for a few days a week, and I went to an office to write and look for a full-time job.

But I never got around to the job hunt because I missed the baby while I was away. I missed his smile and the way he would stare at his hands like he wasn't sure they were his.

People often describe their family life in terms of earning power: The spouse who has the higher earning power is the one who works. This is logical, but it doesn't always work out that way.

~

Penelope Trunk has started several companies and worked for many more.

#