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Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film for Theaters (R, 87 minutes) ** 1/2 The Adult Swim cultoon Aqua Teen Hunger Force feature starts amusingly with a retro-ish (it would fit in Grindhouse) cartoon promoting the concession stand. Then the relatively innocent snacks with their elevator music are overpowered by a heavy metal food group. Non sequitur follows non sequitur, seventies’ psychedelia-style. Only the munchies could have inspired heroes Master Shake, a sex-obsessed milk shake; Meatwad, a meatball whose personality is as malleable as his physical form; and Frylock, a bag of French fries, the brains of the gang. Neither crimefighters nor superheroes, just ordinary junk food, they still save the world because that’s what protagonists do in movies. A diabolical exercise machine, Insanoflex, and metal eggs that threaten humanity come from a conspiracy hatched 70,000 years ago on Pluto. New Jersey neighbor Carl looks suspiciously like pornstar Ron Jeremy. The amorphous plot isn’t nearly as much fun as tangential incidents. An unscientific exit poll drew positive responses from those familiar with the series, but the movie is unlikely to attract new fans. With no accounting for taste, this movie may spawn sequels, followed a decade or so later by a revival abbreviated ATHF. I think I’ve just chosen a date for my retirement.
Are We Done Yet? (PG, 90 minutes) * 1/2 Ice Cube supplies the “bland” in this remake of Mr. Blandings Builds His Dream House. Is It Over Yet? – er, Are We Done Yet?- follows the minimally amusing Are We There Yet? in which Nick Persons (Cube) wooed and won divorcee Suzanne (Nia Long) by taking her two children on a road trip. Now they’re ready to build a home together and have more kids. Nick’s trying to launch his own sports magazine, so what better time to buy a “fixer-upper” country house? He tries to fix it himself, but as it falls apart he’s forced to hire help. Given the premise, you could write the script yourself and make it funnier. Without a laugh track, the intended laughs will be lucky to score giggles. John C. McGinley plays a virtual supporting cast; his character is the realtor who sells Nick the house, the city inspector who breaks the news about its real condition, a contractor, and a part-time midwife. He starts off acting fruity, then changes personalities until finally adopting the most boring persona full-time. Are We Done Yet? makes Cheaper by the Dozen edgy by comparison. The Persons make Bill Cosby’s Huxtables look like the Manson Family.
Blades of Glory (PG-13, 93 minutes) *** Chazz Michael Michaels (Will Ferrell) and Jimmy MacElroy (Jon Heder) become the first male-male pair in the history of figure skating in a consistently funny comedy that attempts to do to that sport what Talladega Nights did to NASCAR racing, but is far more structured and disciplined. When bitter rivals Chazz and Jimmy get into a brawl during an Olympics-like event, they’re banned from Men’s Singles competition for life, but not from skating as a pair. Choreographer Romany Malco’s routine looks like a gay Kama Sutra on ice, but the move that can put them over is the impossible Iron Lotus. Their chief competition comes from sibling skaters-– and all-around poor sports-– Stranz (Will Arnett) and Fairchild Van Waldenburg (Amy Poehler), whose sister (Jenna Fischer) brings out heterosexual impulses in the androgynous Jimmy. The screenplay is silly but surprisingly coherent, and Blades of Glory is one of the rare comedies that can’t cram all its gags into the trailer. Heder emerges from the shadow of Napoleon Dynamite to suggest career longevity. Ferrell doesn’t have to stretch, but he’s a delight. Novice directors Josh Gordon and Will Speck have pulled off the equivalent of an Iron Lotus with Blades of Glory.
The Condemned (R, 113 minutes) (NYS) Consumer Alert: Orange (screened too late for deadline) Steve Austin leaves us Stone Cold, but he and Vinnie Jones are the main attractions in this derivative-sounding tale of beef on the hoof. Ten death row inmates are dropped on an abandoned island to see if one of them can survive for a week. Of course it’s for a reality show, but the convicts face the harshest reality: Even if one survives, he’ll only have his sentence commuted to life in prison. Disturbia (PG-13, 104 minutes) *** John Hughes meets Alfred Hitchcock in Disturbia, which isn’t nearly as bad as that makes it sound. It’s one of those movies that, instead of trying to be original, just does a great job of combining elements it steals from other movies, in this case, mainly Rear Window and Monster House. Still upset a year after his father’s death, Kale Brecht (Shia LaBeouf) slugs his Spanish teacher and gets to spend his summer vacation on house arrest. His mother (Carrie-Anne Moss) is only around when the script needs her to be, and his best friend, Ronnie (Aaron Yoo), is away in Hawaii, so Kale has nothing to do but eat junk food and spy on his neighbors. This becomes more interesting for him when Ashley (Sarah Roemer, an ingénue with something extra) moves in next door, and mysterious Robert Turner (David Morse) arouses Kale’s suspicion. Ashley becomes aware of his spying first, which leads to romance. Turner catches on down the line, with equally predictable, highly suspenseful results. Director D.J. Caruso throws in corny, teeny moments to make the studio happy; but even though teensploitation is the motive, Disturbia is a solid thriller for all ages, if not the ages.
Fracture (R, 112 minutes) ** 1/2 For most of its length, Fracture is an intelligent cross between Primal Fear (also directed by Gregory Hoblit) and The Silence of the Lambs (also starring Anthony Hopkins). A weak, telegraphed ending downgrades it to a very special episode of L.A. Law. Knowing his wife (Embeth Davidtz) is trysting with police Lt. Rob Nunally (Billy Burke), Ted Crawford (Hopkins) shoots her. Nunally arrests him. This is the last case for Deputy District Attorney Willy Beachum (Ryan Gosling), who’s been hired by a prestigious, Boston Legal-ish law firm where he’s already sleeping with a senior associate (Rosamund Pike). It’s routine until Ted, representing himself, pulls some surprises and suddenly looks likely to walk. As Ted toys with Willy like Hannibal Lecter with Clarice, part of the early fun lies in choosing sides-- a cuckolded husband or a cocky lawyer who’s just in it for the money. A casual remark tells alert viewers how things will play out. The resulting letdown wastes the great performances of the leads, arguably the best actors of their respective generations, gorgeous cinematography, and considerable cleverness on the part of the writers and director. In record time, Fracture goes from “Gimme more” to “Gimme a break!”
Grindhouse (R, 191 minutes) ** 1/2 The concept for Grindhouse seemed unassailable. Ultimate film geeks Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez would each make a “B” movie fashioned after their 1970s favorites, but with modern technology, to play as the kind of double feature once shown in the equivalent of indoor drive-ins. Providing nostalgia for a generation too young to have experienced the real thing, Tarantiguez has nailed both the good and bad, but the bad isn’t all fun. Essentially, Rodriguez has done too much and Tarantino too little. A scientific experiment goes awry, releasing a gas that turns people into zombies in Rodriguez’ Planet Terror, which assails the viewer with over-the-top grossness that shouldn’t have gotten an R rating. Rose McGowan doesn’t replace her lost leg with a machine gun until the final 15 minutes. There’s plenty of action, but the lulls between are often dull. Tarantino’s feature, Death Proof is really disappointing. It has but one brief action sequence in its first hour, surrounded by talk, mostly girl talk. Again the final 15 minutes give you what you came for, if you can wait that long. Rodriguez is more successful than Tarantino, but why did I get excited about good directors intentionally emulating bad movies?
The Hoax (R, 115 minutes) *** How does a man find pants to fit when he’s got balls the size of watermelons? The Hoax, a breezy entertainment about Clifford Irving selling and writing– in that order– a phony autobiography of Howard Hughes, isn’t as breezy– or as entertaining– as Catch Me if You Can, but has a similar appeal. In 1971 Irving (Richard Gere) needs a quick pitch for publishers McGraw-Hill. He gets the idea of faking “the exclusive, authorized autobiography” of the reclusive Hughes. A cliffhanger every few minutes makes Irving ever more daring, jumping through hoops to avoid exposure. Aided by researcher Dick Suskind (Alfred Molina), he learns everything there is to know about Hughes. The movie suggests the book couldn’t have been more accurate if Hughes had actually cooperated. Irving’s con is more interesting than his conjugal life, with his marriage to Edith (Marcia Gay Harden) threatened by his on-again, off-again affair with Nina Van Pallandt (Julie Delpy). Because The Hoax is based on Irving’s own memoir, filtered through the imaginations of screenwriter William Wheeler and director Lasse Hallström, you can’t believe any of it; but it’s probably as close to the truth as you can hope for, and a lot more fun.
The Host (R, 119 minutes) *** A monster movie that was a monster hit at the Korean boxoffice, The Host deserves better than cult status in the U.S., even if over 90 percent of the dialogue is subtitled. It’s gourmet cheese with effects– done in San Francisco– more Jurassic Park than Godzilla. A U.S. Army doctor orders formaldehyde dumped in the Han River, where it mutates a fish that grows into an amphibious monster (think Fishzilla). It goes on a riverside rampage, killing dozens and carrying off the youngest member of the Park family. When they learn she’s alive but stashed in a sewer, her father, grandfather, aunt, and uncle go looking for her. First they have to escape from a hospital where everyone who’s been in contact with the monster is quarantined because the authorities have decided the critter is host to a deadly virus. The U.S. elbows the Koreans out of the way to take charge of fighting the monster and the virus with their own secret weapon: Agent Yellow. Aside from intentional comedy and of course scares, over-the-top dramatic scenes make The Host a hoot and a half. For an old-fashioned creature feature with state-of-the-art visual effects, be my guest at The Host.
Hot Fuzz (R, 121 minutes) *** If you saw Shaun of the Dead and wondered what those clever lads could do with a budget, the answer is Hot Fuzz, a simultaneous spoof of and homage to Hollywood action movies, specifically those of the police buddy genre. From high-speed pursuits and exploding buildings to underlying homoerotic attraction between the heroes, the essential elements are all included, referenced, or both. Simon Pegg, co-writer with director Edgar Wright, stars as Nicholas Angel, a London cop so good he makes all the others look bad; so he gets transferred to the quiet village of Sandford. He brings along his obsessive devotion to duty and quickly finds his attitude isn’t shared by his new colleagues. The station is run by Inspector Frank Butterman (Jim Broadbent), whose son Danny (Nick Frost) becomes Angel’s partner. People start dying, and their deaths, officially ruled accidents, seem suspicious to Nicholas, who becomes an avenging Angel and tries to solve the case himself. The plot is strong enough to hold everything together. Even at a full two hours, the pace rarely drags. With a great ensemble cast of British actors, many with more familiar faces than names, is Hot Fuzz worth seeing? In a word, “Yarb.”
In the Land of Women (PG-13, 98 minutes) * 1⁄2 The award for the most deceptive trailer goes to In the Land of Women, which is sold as a bright romantic comedy. The funny parts aren’t so funny in a context of heartbreak, breast cancer, senility, and infidelity. Carter (Adam Brody) needs a change of scene to get over being dumped. He goes to Michigan to take care of his old grandmother (Olympia Dukakis, channeling Estelle Getty). The neighbors across the street have enough problems to retain Dr. Phil full-time, and he’d still call for backup. Or they can just confide in the new guy in town. Sarah (Meg Ryan) has breast cancer. She knows her husband (Clark Gregg) is having an affair, but he doesn’t know she knows. Their daughter Lucy (Kristen Stewart) knows, but she’s got teenage problems. Lucy’s precocious (to put it mildly) little sister, Paige (Makenzie Vega), lives vicariously through her. Pop quiz: Who will Carter kiss (it’s PG-13) first, Lucy or Sarah? Maybe it’s the intense chick-flickiness (the title could be a clue). Maybe it’s the false expectations raised by the trailer. Maybe there’s enough of this sensitive, pretentious crap on TV. Or maybe In the Land of Women is just an excruciatingly bad movie.
The Invisible (PG-13, 97 minutes) (NYS) Consumer Alert: Red (no press screening) This remake of a Swedish film sounds interesting, but the people at Hollywood Pictures who have seen it must know better than those of us who haven’t, if they’re keeping it hidden. Justin Chatwin (War of the Worlds) stars as a not-quite-dead teenager who can’t communicate with the living (including Marcia Gay Harden as his mother) but has to find out what happened to him before he becomes totally dead.
Kickin’ It Old Skool (PG-13, 109 minutes) (NYS) Consumer Alert: Red (no press screening) It’s Breakin’ 3: Electric Kennedy when Jamie Kennedy Rip Van Winkles out of a 20-year coma caused by a breakdancing accident. He fits into the 2000s like I fit into my pants from the ‘80s. Maria Menounos co-stars.
The Last Mimzy (PG, 98 minutes) ** 1/2 There’s nothing wrong with The Last Mimzy, but there’s nothing right with it that Spielberg didn’t do first and better a quarter-century ago in E.T. If you believe children are the future, you’ll be a sucker for this hippy-dippy sci-fi movie about a pair of youngsters recruited to save the planet. Based on a short story by Lewis Padgett, but using E.T. as a template, The Last Mimzy is set in Seattle, where hippies migrated after the Summer of Love. A strangely accented flower child (Irene Snow) tells her students of an ancient time when “the soul of our planet was sick.” It’s unclear what planet she’s on, but it was “warlike” and “dying,” and one desperate scientist was trying to save it. Flashback to the Wilder family: Timothy Hutton, Joely Richardson, ten-year-old Noah (Chris O'Neil), and Emma (Rhiannon Leigh Wryn), who’s about six. The kids find a strange box in the surf full of “toys” that give them magical powers. Emma bonds with a stuffed rabbit named Mimzy, and they both become geniuses, attracting the attention of Homeland Security, led by Michael Clarke Duncan. When Mimzy ultimately goes home, we learn where/when “home” is and whether her mission is accomplished. Meet the Robinsons (G, 92 minutes) ** 1/2 The 2D and 3D versions may deserve separate reviews, but I’ve only seen the latter. The dimensional gimmick helps more than it hurts this animated feature, which stays too low-key for too long before moving into the future and ramping up the excitement, plot-wise and visually. The voice budget was kept low, with Angela Bassett, Adam West, and Laurie Metcalf among the few recognizable names, besides songs from Rufus Wainwright, Rob Thomas, Jamie Cullum, and All-American Rejects. Lewis is a 12-year-old science geek living in an orphanage. At a science fair, he meets Wilbur Robinson, a boy from the future who needs his help to prevent “Bowler Hat Guy” from changing the future by altering the past. Lewis visits the future with Wilbur and meets his wacky family. They love Lewis so much you’ll think Mrs. Robinson is trying to seduce him. A surprise twist makes this less of a joke than intended. Before you can say "Danger Wilbur Robinson!” the world is nearly destroyed... unless Lewis can correct the past to fix the future. The more Disney keeps moving forward the more they seem to be going in circles, but Meet the Robinsons isn’t a bad circle to be in.
The Namesake (R, 122 minutes) *** A contemporary, multigenerational epic of immigration and assimilation, The Namesake follows an Indian couple who marry, move to the U.S., and raise children. Their parents and siblings remain in Calcutta when Ashoke (Irrfan Khan) and Ashima Ganguli (Tabu) begin life together in New York. Their son (Kal Penn), named Gogol after Ashoke’s favorite author, studies architecture and dates a WASPy blonde (Jacinda Barrett). His parents make a halfhearted attempt to fix him up with an Indian girl, Moushumi Mazumdar (Zuleikha Robinson), a Bengali version of “Ugly Betty.” Cultures clash all over the place as Gogol and his sister, Sonia (Sahira Nair), grow up American, and their parents somewhat grudgingly accept it. Nowhere is the clash more evident than inside Gogol, who is jolted back to his roots by a family tragedy. Each survivor must move on and determine whether to follow tradition or emulate Joseph Campbell by following their bliss, but each generation will evolve as it should. One of director Mira Nair’s best films, The Namesake takes some getting into, whether because of the foreign culture or because there haven’t been many films of this scope lately. Let it breathe, and you’ll soon be breathing in rhythm with it.
Next (PG-13, 96 minutes) (NYS) Consumer Alert: Orange (screened too late for deadline) Nicolas Cage didn’t leave Las Vegas after all. In this adaptation of Phillip K. Dick’s The Golden Man, he’s laying low as a magician to avoid being exploited for his ability to see a few minutes into the future. Julianne Moore tracks him down and seeks his help to prevent terrorists from nuking L.A. What? Was Jack Bauer busy?
Perfect Stranger (R, 109 minutes) ** 1/2 Everyone’s a suspect in the death of Grace (Nicki Aycox), which is being vigorously investigated by investigative reporter Rowena Price (Halle Berry) in Perfect Stranger. The movie’s about the murder case and about creating false identities in chat rooms and elsewhere. It’s about marriage, romance and affairs, and the cutthroat world of advertising. But mostly it’s about how good Halle Berry looks. Grace’s childhood friend and neighbor, Ro is used to assuming false identities to get a story. A week before her death Grace tells Ro she had an affair with advertising big shot Harrison Hill (Bruce Willis) and is threatening to expose him to his wife (Paula Miranda). To build a case against him Ro starts by getting hired as a temp at Hill’s agency and letting his nature take its course. Ro’s accomplice in just about everything is Miles (Giovanni Ribisi), a researcher at the paper who has a mad crush on her. The movie’s wild card, he gets tips from the police and hacks into everyone’s computers, including Ro’s. There’s a little of everything in Perfect Stranger, all slickly packaged. The solution is surprising but the movie is vaguely unsatisfying, less than the sum of its parts.
300 (R, 117 minutes) ** Based on a graphic novel by Frank Miller, author of Sin City (with Lynn Varley), 300 is an epic history lesson about the Battle of Thermopylae in 480 B.C., where 300 Spartans fought bravely against “the most massive army ever assembled.” Heavily narrated by Dilios (David Wenham), a Spartan captain, 300 takes itself too seriously, with a self-importance that makes The Passion of the Christ look like Life of Brian. But how seriously can you take a movie in which the men of 2500 years ago go to war in leather Speedos, harnesses, capes and boots? In Sparta, which raises boys from birth to be warriors, King Leonidas (Gerard Butler) is married to Gorgo (Lena Headey), who takes a more active role than women, even First Ladies, are supposed to. Persian “God-King” Xerxes (Rodrigo Santoro of “Lost”) demands the Spartans kneel to him. Them’s fighting words. Leonidas doesn’t do submission, retreat, or surrender. His brilliant strategy enables his 300 soldiers to hold out for three days. With backgrounds created in computers, the movie comes up with some stunning visuals, a look more fantasy than history, and sex and violence to provide temporary relief from the monotony of this silly talkfest.
Vacancy (R, 80 minutes) ** 1/2 About-to-be-divorced David (Luke Wilson) and Amy (Kate Beckinsale) are on the road together when their car breaks down, stranding them near a motel in the middle of nowhere. Frank Whaley plays the manager, whose forced quirkiness is supposed to evoke memories of Anthony Perkins in Psycho and Dennis Weaver in Touch of Evil, but he’s not in that league, and neither is Vacancy, which takes longer to get into gear than David’s car. It’s almost half over when David discovers a stack of videotapes. The apparent snuff films were obviously recorded in that very room... where cameras are watching them now (somehow picking up bright images in the dark). Two masked men outside block David and Amy’s escape attempts as, like Congress, they squirm in search of an exit strategy. Since this is the kind of movie where the protagonists do stupid things, it helps that they have no intelligent options. Vacancy introduces an extreme form of couples therapy, since the crisis forces the estranged uncouple to work together. Though it’s hard to stretch the basic situation for very long, director Nimrod Antal delivers some genuinely suspenseful, scary moments along the lean, mean way. Whether that’s enough is up to you.
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