Published March 4, 2004 in issue #0309 of The Hook

BY ANDY BOROWITZ

The Bush White House's plan to push for a constitutional amendment banning gay marriages suffered a surprising setback today as a new study revealed that well over 70 percent of existing marriages may already be gay.

The study, conducted by Dr. Charles Cranborn of the University of Minnesota, confirmed what many social scientists have long suspected: Within the first five years of marriages, most men become, for all intents and purposes, gay.

"Soon after marrying, most men stop hitting on women and start shopping for furniture," Dr. Cranborn said. "Scientifically speaking, how gay is that?"

Within 10 years of marriage, Dr. Cranborn added, a significant number of married men stop having sex with women altogether.

"There's only one way to describe someone who does not have sex with women, does not hit on women, and spends his free time shopping for furniture," Dr. Cranborn added. "That word, to be scientific about it, is gay."

When news of the University of Minnesota study hit Washington, the White House immediately abandoned its plans for a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage for fear of alienating the 70 percent of married voters who are already in a gay marriage "whether they know it or not," to quote Dr. Cranborn.

Instead, the Administration will ask Congress for over $1.2 billion in funds to promote gay divorces.

According to those familiar with the Bush proposal, gay couples who come forward and ask for a divorce will be granted total amnesty, a dividend tax cut, and a major reconstruction project in Iraq.

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Andy Borowitz contributes essays to The New Yorker, The New York Times, and TV Guide, among other publications. His satire of breaking news can also be found at BorowitzReport.com.

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